What helps a person feel safe enough to grow? I’ve been asking that question for more than thirty years. I didn’t know it at first.
As a birth doula, I watched women accomplish things they never believed they could. As a teacher, I watched children flourish when they felt seen and understood. As a special education teacher, I discovered that behavior often changes when a child’s nervous system feels safe. Today, I see the very same pattern in adults.
This article isn’t just about children with autism. It’s about being human.
Supporting Children with Autism Begins with Supporting Ourselves
Children with autism simply illuminate something that is true for all of us: we grow best when we feel safe. I learned this lesson during one of the hardest years of my teaching career.
After teaching in Montessori schools and public schools, I accepted a position at a local preschool. Teaching had always felt natural to me, but this classroom challenged everything I thought I knew. The classroom felt out of control. Children bit, scratched, and ran from the room. My teaching assistant told me it was the most challenging class she had ever worked in. Then she quit.
Every afternoon after the children left, I sat in the corner and cried. The school custodian became so used to finding me there that one day he gently smiled and said, “Susan…go cry at home with your family.”
I laughed. Then I cried some more.
I questioned everything. I had a teaching degree with a minor in special education. Wasn’t that supposed to prepare me? That summer, I realized I had been asking the wrong question. Instead of asking, “How do I get these children to change?” I began asking, “How do I help them feel safe enough to grow?” That single question changed everything.
When school started again, I returned with a different mindset. Before asking my students to regulate their emotions, I needed to learn how to regulate my own.
Starting Small
We started small. One minute. A few deep breaths. A calming essential oil. A Tibetan singing bowl. One minute, three mornings each week.
None of these tools worked alone, but together they helped children notice what was happening in their bodies and discover that they had tools to return to a place of calm.
By June, my preschoolers could sit together for ten peaceful minutes. More importantly, they learned something that would stay with them long after the school year ended: They were not powerless over their emotions.
Looking back over the past three decades – as a birth doula, educator, special education teacher, aromatherapy instructor, and relationship coach – I realize I never really changed careers. I’ve simply continued asking the same question: How do we help people feel safe enough to grow?
Connection
Whether I’m supporting a couple struggling to communicate, a parent raising a child with autism, an educator, or a classroom full of preschoolers, the answer begins in the same place: Connection. A regulated adult helps create a regulated child.
That doesn’t mean caregivers must be calm all the time. It means noticing when we are overwhelmed, tending to our own needs, and showing children that regulation is something we can practice together. Safety grows through these small, repeated moments of connection.
If you’re raising, teaching, or caring for a child with autism, I want you to know something: I see you. I see the exhaustion that no one else notices. The appointments. The paperwork. The sleepless nights. The moments when you wonder if you’re doing enough. You are carrying more than most people realize. You deserve support, too.
Children borrow our nervous systems long before they borrow our words. One of the tools I share with families is the thoughtful use of essential oils alongside breathing, movement, and sensory supports. No single strategy works for everyone. The goal isn’t to “fix” a child. It’s to help each family build a toolbox of regulation strategies that supports their unique needs. Because sometimes the person who most needs support isn’t the child. It’s the adult who loves them.
Every child deserves to feel safe enough to grow. And so does every caregiver.
If you’re looking for practical tools, encouragement, and a supportive community, I invite you to join my upcoming free webinar for parents and caregivers of children with autism. We’ll explore sensory regulation strategies – including the thoughtful use of essential oils – to support both children and the adults who care for them.
Registration is available at: everydayharvest.com.
Susan Cote is the founder of Everyday Harvest, where she combines her experience as a birth doula, educator, special education teacher, relationship coach, and aromatherapy instructor to help individuals and families create calmer, more connected relationships. She believes that lasting growth begins when people feel safe enough to grow.
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