When people hear “coming out,” they often think of it as a single moment: you tell the world you’re LGBTQ+, polyamorous, or otherwise different, and then you’re done. But that hasn’t been my experience. Coming out has been less about one conversation and more about an ongoing practice of showing up – again and again – with honesty and courage.
For years, I didn’t realize how heavy it was to live in hiding. I had gotten so used to shrinking, people-pleasing, and contorting myself into what others expected that the stress of it all felt normal. My body told a different story. Chronic pain, tension headaches, and a constant undercurrent of anxiety were my companions. I thought I was managing stress – but in reality, I was surviving under the weight of not being fully me.
The Mental Health Toll of Shrinking Yourself
Research confirms what many of us already know: when we suppress who we are, our nervous system pays the price. Hypervigilance, shallow breathing, muscle tension – our bodies stay in a loop of fight, flight, or freeze. My loop looked like this: smile, nod, agree, apologize, repeat. Outwardly, I looked composed; inwardly, I was exhausted.
The truth is, hiding takes energy. Stress doesn’t only come from “bad things” happening – it also comes from holding back our authentic selves. Loneliness, disconnection, and self-doubt creep in, even when we’re surrounded by people who care.
Coming Out as Stress Relief
When I began to come out – to myself first, and then to others – the change was not instant. It was shaky, awkward, and marked by frequent back-and-forth. But slowly, something shifted. I realized that confidence wasn’t about being loud or unshakable. It was about giving myself permission to stop apologizing for who I was.
Each time I spoke my truth – whether about being nonbinary, about loving more than one person, or about wanting something different from the “norm” – I noticed my body relax. My shoulders softened. My breath came easier. Coming out became not just about identity, but about stress reduction. It was a way to stop carrying what wasn’t mine and start trusting what was inside me.
Tools That Supported My Mental Health
Along the way, I developed and now teach tools that combine neuroscience, attachment theory, and nonviolent communication to help people rebuild confidence and reduce the stress of hiding. A few of the most practical ones include:
- Taking inventory (Where are you starting from?): Pausing to notice what’s happening in my body – tightness in the chest, a knot in the stomach – and connecting those sensations to emotions and needs. Stress often signals unmet needs, and naming them is the first step to relief.
- Containerizing (boundaries): Instead of letting conflicts or emotions sprawl endlessly, I learned to create clear beginnings and endings. “I can talk about this for 20 minutes and then take a break.” Such boundaries prevent overwhelm and restore a sense of safety.
- Affirmations (reprogramming beliefs): Many of the beliefs that fueled my stress – such as “You’ll be alone if you stand up for your boundaries” or “You’ll be trapped if you give in and admit you hurt someone” – weren’t entirely true. Affirmations challenge these ingrained messages by drawing on our own memories and experiences. They help disprove the old narratives that stand in the way of coming out confidently and standing in our truth.
These tools are not about becoming someone new; they’re about returning home to yourself with less tension, less fear, and more ease.
Confidence as an Antidote to Loneliness
At its core, confidence is not about bravado. It’s about the quiet relief of belonging to yourself. When we are confident, we don’t have to over-explain, over-apologize, or chase validation. We can rest in knowing: I am allowed to be here, exactly as I am.
And that kind of confidence is not only good for mental health – it’s essential. Stress falls away when we’re no longer fighting ourselves. Loneliness loosens its grip when we know our own company is enough. Coming out, then, becomes more than identity. It becomes medicine for our nervous system.
A Closing Invitation
If you’re reading this and feel the weight of hiding, I want you to know: you are not broken for feeling stressed, anxious, or lonely. You’re carrying something heavy. And there is another way. Each time you allow yourself to come out—whether in a big declaration or a small choice – you set down part of that weight.
Confidence isn’t about becoming fearless. It’s about breathing more fully, living more honestly, and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can meet the world without shrinking.
And that, I believe, is the truest form of stress relief there is.
Ray (they/them) is a queer, nonbinary Coming Out Coach redefining what it means to come out and build confidence – not just in identity, but in everyday life. Through neuroscience, consent practices, and nonviolent communication, Ray helps LGBTQ+, polyamorous, and questioning folks overcome people-pleasing, embody authenticity, and inoculate loneliness with connection and self-trust. Their Confidence Coming Out Program transforms the “coming out” process into a lifelong journey of authentic living. Contact Ray at 860.966.5677, email: ray@reneebeyor.com, and visit: raylifecoaching.com to learn more.