It’s almost 9 pm and your phone rings. Your best friend tearfully recounts her stress-filled day. Overwhelmed and exhausted, she regretfully reports topping off the day with pizza, beer, and other junk foods. Now her stress is double, disappointment and discomfort replace the initial rush of carb-filled comfort. Do you respond with a barrage of insults, reprimands and pessimistic predictions for her future health and well-being?
Of course not, this is your best friend. Someone you care for. A person you know has skill, talent, and potential to make improvements in her life. Someone who deserves every happiness and a person you wish to enjoy as a friend for many years to come. You wouldn’t dream of adding to her distress with any form of harsh criticism, much less any form of verbal abuse. In fact, the love you have for this person makes you wish the best for her and desire to promote her wellness.
Now turn the tables. Imagine it is you who has disappointed yourself in some way. Following this disappointment, you recognize the error of your ways. What is the nature of your own self-talk? Chances are, not quite as loving and encouraging as those words you would share with your dear friend. Many of us engage in an inner dialogue that is the exact opposite of the support we would offer to others in similar situations.
As millions of self-help books and articles attest, this constant inner dialogue is the key to both our success and our failures in all endeavors. More than just the dialogue we engage in, the very relationship we have with ourselves is the essential factor which promotes our wellness or our illness. Creation of an inner environment of care, compassion and love is the foundation of all positive change. Think back to the last experience you had in which you felt motivated, confident and determined to succeed. What was the nature of the words you said to yourself? Encouraging, motivating, complimentary, or harsh, shaming and judgmental?
We humans respond to the energy of love and encouragement as the plants and animals do to the sun, rain and earth. Love, acceptance and compassion are the true fuel of our growth and change. At any given time we are either feeding or starving ourselves of this essential nutrient. As we strive toward health, fitness and well-being, our attitudes toward ourselves deserve to be examined, and toxic, unhealthy inner dialogue must be replaced with the language of health and wellness.
Theories abound on the manner and reasons we may develop such harshness toward ourselves. Suffice it to say that in spite of the love and acceptance we all crave, these can seem a scarce commodity in our world today. Even when we know and intend to treat ourselves with love and compassion, this harshness can return as we encounter the stress and challenges of our daily lives. Beginning with ourselves and our own inner environment, and beginning again and again as often as is needed, is the key to changing our experience of scarcity to one of abundance, security and solace.
So, where do we begin? The first step to this and any other change is awareness. Simply listening to the words, tone, and attitude with which we approach ourselves is our starting point. Ask yourself: am I speaking with kindness and compassion toward myself in this moment? Am I giving myself the emotional fuel to promote my own well-being? At this point it is vital to be aware of not only our inner dialogue but the inner dialogue we engage in about the dialogue itself! Beating ourselves up for beating ourselves up is just more of the same. Instead, recognize, acknowledge, and accept that we have developed this unfortunate habit of thinking and relating to ourselves, and also that our awareness is a path to change.
The next step is to make the decision to do things differently. If I accept that humans thrive with love, acceptance, and compassion, and I am human, then I also need and deserve these things in order to thrive. Search beneath the disappointment, discouragement, and beneath those harsh and judgmental words you are using with yourself. Find the source of compassion within yourself by asking for an image of compassion. You may be surprised at what arises within you.
From this place of compassion, how would you approach that part of you that sometimes falls short of your own expectations? Try imagining that aspect of yourself as a child, with an age or stage of development. What do you truly desire for this beloved, internal being? As with any beloved child of your acquaintance, you can see through the mis-steps and errors in judgment to the beauty and potential within. Take a moment to truly feel this love coming to that inner child from your own internal source of compassion, comforting and soothing that place of hurt and disappointment.
From the place of that union of hurt and compassion, if necessary, you may begin to speak. Notice the words that emerge. Notice their kindness, compassion and love. Notice the effect of the words on your beloved child, on your new best friend. The one for whom you desire all the best of health, wholeness and wellness, and in whose ability you have every confidence. Now send your beloved back into the world, and see the changes she is able to make with the essential nourishment of love and compassion within.
Linda McEwen, LCSW, has a private psychotherapy practice in West Hartford, Ct. She is skilled in assisting individuals from all walks of life to develop more compassionate and realistic relationships with themselves to promote improvements in functioning, well-being, and relationships. For inquiries or to schedule a consultation, call 860-830-0153 or email at [email protected]