For years, I told myself stories. That I wasn’t worthy, that it was too late for me to change, that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I tried thinking and journaling myself out of those patterns, reading all the self-help books, and doing what I thought I needed to do. And here is what I learned: those patterns were running deep beneath my thinking mind.
If you’ve tried to change something, perhaps a job, a relationship, a habit, a story you tell yourself, and nothing shifted, the problem wasn’t your effort. It was the approach. More specifically, it was where the approach was aimed. Real change doesn’t live in the thinking mind. It lives underneath it. Feeling “stuck” rarely announces itself with a name. There’s no crisis, no breakdown, just a low hum of restlessness under the surface you can’t quite explain.
When Sarah* first came to see me, she said she had “nothing to complain about.” Good job. Beautiful family. A life that looked exactly as it should.But she was exhausted and could not name why. She shared, “I’m restless, life feels stagnant. Like I’m waiting for something.” She’d journaled, read the books, and made the lists. Nothing moved. That’s the giveaway. When thinking harder doesn’t help, the issue isn’t in your thoughts; it’s below them.
I spent years in the corporate world doing work that looked successful based on my title and responsibilities. Inside, I felt hollow. I thought about change constantly but was stuck, as if in quicksand. I assumed I just needed more willpower, more motivation, and a better strategy. I knew in my heart that my spirit was begging me to move in a different direction, but I just couldn’t take the first step. What I didn’t understand then is what I now know: you cannot think your way out of a pattern that lives below the level of thought.
It’s OK to Break the “Rules”
Research suggests that roughly 95% of our behavior is driven by the subconscious mind—ingrained beliefs and emotional patterns that operate far below awareness.
These aren’t character flaws. They are rules you wrote long ago to stay safe, to belong, to survive. And they are very good at their job.
For many of us, those rules whisper things like: “Don’t take up space.” “You don’t deserve more than this.” “Change is dangerous.” And so, we stay put, not because we are weak, but because a part of us has never been shown it’s safe to move. This is why willpower alone doesn’t always work. The conscious mind can set the goal. It cannot override the subconscious pattern. In hypnosis, the brain enters a state of focused receptivity. The critical, analytical mind softens, and in that space, we can begin to examine and rewrite the old stories.
Sarah didn’t find her way forward by making another list. She found it when she uncovered a quiet belief she’d been carrying since childhood. She discovered that she believed her needs came last, that she didn’t matter.
For so long, putting herself first had been a trigger. Choosing herself stopped her in her tracks, stirring guilt, doubt, and an almost automatic retreat. Once we uncovered the deep belief, we were able to change the story she told herself. In that softening, she found space. Space to choose differently. Space to move forward on her own terms.
If you are hearing the hum of restlessness, here’s what I want you to know: the problem is not your lack of effort, discipline, or desire. No one ever showed you the door to the room where the real work happens. That room exists. And the moment you get curious about what’s running beneath the surface, that’s exactly where we begin.
*Name changed to protect client privacy.
Lauri Ingram is a Life and Well-Being Coach specializing in hypnosis, spiritual exploration, and mindfulness-based change work.
www.lauriingram.com.
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