Starting a virtual bookkeeping business in 2013 freed me up to be more social and experience real fun in my life. In 2016, after two years of swing dancing, I began to explore my newfound freedom and energy. I noticed that leading in swing dancing allowed me to tap into my true core beliefs, which had been dormant after age 27. Unfortunately, I had shut down for many years and only rediscovered my passions at age 39.
As a female in Connecticut, it was uncommon to demand the lead position as a swing dancer. However, I stood firm in my decision, even if others saw me as selfish for not following the status quo. I was determined to stand in my truth and be brave – leading made me feel sexy, powerful, and outright brazen!
One evening, after a swing dance social, where I felt the buzz and high from being my newfound self, a friend shared their dating story with me. They had started dating another dance friend of mine, but before that, they had been dating a polyamorous person. I had no idea what that meant, but as they described it, my body responded with a resounding “YES, THAT IS ME.” Walking to my car in a daze, I realized I had been closeted all this time.
Despite priding myself on being out as a bisexual woman, I began to question if I truly was out. Did anyone other than my husband or immediate family know about my sexuality? I doubted it, since not only did I not tell anyone unless they asked, but especially because many people believe bisexuality is fake.
As I discovered my polyamorous identity over that next year, I realized it was one of the many reasons I had shut down for twelve years. I knew deep down that the world around me didn’t align with my values. To conform to its rules, I played small and avoided attention. Expressing my true beliefs would have been risky.
However, at 39, I felt safe, secure, and free enough to embrace my identity. Thereafter, it took me three years of trial and error to find people who shared my journey.
My coming out was more than just about being polyamorous. It taught me to question the things I had previously accepted without challenging them. Our feelings are mysteries that should arouse curiosity and inspire us to ask, “Am I agreeing to something that doesn’t align with me just because it’s expected of me?”
I’m speaking out for those who can’t speak for themselves because I realized that if my new friend hadn’t opened up to me that night, I might still be confused about my situation. I wouldn’t have felt seen, and I wouldn’t have known that there are others out there who express love differently and feel more aligned with their way of life.
But let me be clear: This story isn’t just about being polyamorous. It’s about questioning the things we agree to. It’s about being brave enough to say, “No, that’s not how I do things,” and forging our own paths. We need more people to be curious about the systems and structures that shape our lives rather than simply accepting black-and-white decisions. For me, polyamory wasn’t just about being monogamous – it was about whether I believe love is infinite and what I want to stand for.
I challenge you to listen to your emotional body and recognize when the system you’re in isn’t meeting your needs. Look for your gray zone – the place that’s natural and nuanced rather than artificial and comfortable.
If you need help or support in finding your authentic self, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I offer workshops and one-on-one coaching to help seekers on their journey. For free resources to help you tap into your authentic voice, sign up by visiting reneebeyor.com/free-resources.
Ray Beyor, owner of RAY Life Coaching, provides her clients with resources and practices that clarify their values, set steps toward their purpose, and master confidence while facing fears with patience, compassion, and accountability. Ray’s training in attachment theory, codependency, yoga, meditation, polyamory, consent work, dance, and astrology is used to guide her clients into their authentic and abundant selves.
To schedule a free call or learn more, please visit: www.reneebeyor.com.